In the wake of Karl Amon’s near-death experience at the hands of Eagles ruckman Nic Naitanui, the AFL has replaced its match review officer with a team of sensitive metropolitan mothers in an attempt to rid the game of rough conduct entirely.
The mums will scrutinise every bump, tackle and accidental collision that occurs on the AFL field, suspending any player who does something they wouldn’t want done to their own precious sons.
“I care about player welfare as much as I care about the welfare of my own child,” AFL chairman Gil McLachlan said at a press conference today.
“I’ve expanded on this idea by employing a bunch of super-concerned young mums and granting them unrestricted power to sanction players they find guilty of rough play.
“How they interpret rough play is up to them, however we expect they’ll hold AFL players to the same standard they apply to their fragile pre-pubescent children.”
To ensure impartiality, the AFL has exclusively employed mothers who’ve had no prior involvement with grassroots footy.
“Believe it or not, there are some mothers out there who think there’s nothing wrong with a bit of physical contact,” McLachlan said regretfully.
“This goes against our fundamental philosophy, and we’ve therefore taken steps to ensure those women have no involvement in our new and improved match review system.”
In addition to penalising nasty players, the all-mum panel will recognise players who demonstrate an outstanding commitment to safety and gentleness. Each week they’ll nominate someone for the Caleb Daniel Medal, an honour named after the Western Bulldogs midfielder who always wears a concussion helmet.