Joel Pryor
Winter Olympics Organiser
I was part of the 2018 Winter Olympics organising team. My colleagues and I worked tirelessly for four years to ensure that the 2018 Games ran as smoothly as possible. Unfortunately, our efforts were undermined by Timothy Jenkins, a seven year-old kid with an insatiable appetite for shovelling snow. Here are five events that Timothy went out of his way to ruin.
1. Snowboarding
We walked out on the first day of the heats to discover that someone had shovelled away most of the snowboarding ramps. It didn’t take long to identify Timothy Jenkins as the perpetrator. Timothy’s only seven years old, so we assumed he was just trying to help us out. We explained to him that the snow was put there for a reason, and he looked us in the eye and promised not to do it again.
2. Alpine Skiing
Obviously Timothy was lying through his teeth after the snowboarding incident, because the very next day he dug a six-foot trench through the middle of the alpine skiing slope. When we confronted him about it, he said he thought he was doing us a favour. We warned him that his shovel would be confiscated if anything like this happened again.
3. Cross-Country Skiing
Timothy waited a whole two hours before forcing the cancellation of a third event, this time by digging his initials into the final straight of the cross-country skiing course. This clearly wasn’t an innocent misunderstanding. When we demanded that he hand over his shovel, he just smirked and handed us an invoice from ‘Timothy’s Snow Shovelling Service’. We were so taken aback that we forgot to confiscate his shovel, which was a big mistake in hindsight.
4. Ice Hockey
Jesus Christ, we did not see this one coming. Somehow Timothy managed to fuck this event up even though it doesn’t involve snow. The janitor noticed a massive hole in the middle of the rink when he opened the stadium on the morning of the final. From what we can gather, Timothy must have snuck in overnight and gone to town on the ice with that stupid fucking shovel we forgot to confiscate. It would’ve taken hours. Afterwards, Timothy was nowhere to be found. We put all the other events on high alert.
5. The Closing Ceremony
We let our guard down. A day after the ice hockey catastrophe, someone anonymously handed a shovel into head office. We breathed a huge sigh of relief, thinking this marked the end of Timothy’s horrible spree. We really should have known better. Halfway through the closing ceremony, Timothy drove out onto the stadium in an industrial-sized diesel-operated snowplow. The worst thing was that he didn’t actually dig anything up — I think he just wanted to prove that he could have, if he’d wanted to. We have since handed Timothy over to the authorities. Here’s hoping he gets locked up somewhere hot and dry.