Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has announced a radical $10 billion plan to make the Brisbane Lions somewhat competitive.
The PM outlined the plan alongside Brisbane coach Chris Fagan at a press conference earlier today.
“It goes without saying that the Lions have been really shit for an extended period of time,” Turnbull told reporters, as Fagan nodded in agreement.
“Every club has its ups and downs, successes and failures … but this particular side hasn’t experienced anything resembling success since, like, 2009.
“It’s become clear that nothing short of radical government intervention can turn this club around.”
Treasury has calculated that it will cost at least $10 billion to transform the Lions into a team capable of consistently winning football matches.
Coach Fagan supported the government’s plan.
“The $10 billion figure sounds about right,” he said.
“We’ve had access to the best draft picks for a number of years, but we don’t seem to be getting any better.
“$10 billion will hopefully help us figure out what’s going wrong around here.”
The announcement has been widely criticised within the AFL community. A spokesman for the Melbourne Demons, a club which only recently emerged from its own period of poor on-field performance, accused Turnbull of ‘playing favourites’.
“Malcolm’s only giving Brisbane money to keep Queenslanders from voting for Pauline Hanson at the next election,” the spokesman said.
“But the jokes on him — Queenslanders don’t even give a fuck about the AFL. They all watch rugby. To be fair, he probably can’t tell the two apart.”
Turnbull responded to the criticism by blaming Labor and then mentioning something about jobs and growth.